Elessar Vanimedlë

Reporting Live from Somewhere

2009-08-03T17:07:00.003+08:00

This is a report live from Bangkok Suphanburi Province of Thailand. Hahaha.. Actually I'm in Thailand right now for the 1st ASIAN Martial Arts Games 2009. First time bro.. I mean the games la.. 2 hours away from Bangkok airport. We staying in Songphanburi Hotel. A lot of familiar faces when reaching the the hotel. Most of the people all were surprised to see the Big Man there. Most of them heard the news that he retired. I guess they were wrong. The hotel is not bad actually. Free Internet access, security all over, good rooms and friendly people. The best part is that I get a room all to myself.

The opening of the Pencak Silat Competition was today and the opening was ok... not that bad. The hall was air-conditioned so it's not that hot. The first game for our team was today. Dinni had to go against Vietnam. Yes Vietnam... you heard me.. It was a hell ride for her before her game. She had already had her own fight with her weight. She had to do front drops, back drops, figure 8, scissors and countless four attacks but she actually got her weight down to her class. the determination that she has is superb. Tears and sweat was fully involve. Anyway she tried her best in the match but I guess lack of energy got in the way. The games are all in the morning so have some free time in the afternoon. Eka and Shakir is having high fever but they being treated. Shakir had to postponed his game today to tomorrow. It's John and Shakir's turn tomorrow. I hope that they will perform to their maximum.

Good Luck! Good Luck! Good Luck!

Sober Nights 2

2009-07-20T16:25:00.003+08:00

continued from last post......

Sunday was a very long day. I reached the centre at around 9.30am. It's so hard for me to wake up after last night's birthday outing. When I reached there, everything is already set up thanks to Bro Raziz and Mr. Salleh. I just have to put some things only. When everything is set up I brief the boys and girls for the trial. At first some of them would'nt be fighting but in the end I managed to match up with some other students.

It was quite tiring to manage 18 games in total. Sitting there by myself with not enough sleep. But I still love what I'm doing. Out of the 18 fights I would give the thumbs up to Mei mei, Izzati, Dafinah, Mahfuz and Amalyna. Dafinah for always being ready to fight twice even been informed at the last minute. Izzati for proving to me that she is stronger than the way she look like. Amalyna for strong sidekicks and proving that it's just not about size. Mahfuz for surprising me with his capability of fighting and listening to instructions and Mei mei....... mei Mei.... you surprise some people of what you can do. You could actually do wonders but yet everytime you just don't believe in yourself. The fact that the girl that you are fighting is your Kak Saiedah's opponent in PSK and she is a senior athlete ut you actually dominated her. Believe in yourself. The whole thing went well. After the friendly I waited for Epul and Hady to fetch me to go to a wedding. I hate to go weddings. It's just a personal feeling thats all.

At night at the last minute I went fishing with Ollie, Jboy, and Epul. Epul fetch me at around 8pm. We went to Changi beach to fish. I didn't catch anything though but Epul caught a rea nice sized Mangrove Jack using a handline. That is the only fish of the night. We left around 12.30am. Epul dropped me off. I showered and ate and watch tele but in the end the tele watched me.......

Sober Nights

2009-07-20T14:34:00.003+08:00

My weekend was really sober and painful one. Surprisingly I was home on a Friday night. No usual frequent visits to the clubs. No la..... The actual reason is that Ollie is not spinning his decks so we decided not to go. He feels a bit sick so he went to the doctor and got 2 days of medical leave. It's so easy to get medical leave nowadays thanks to the H1N1 virus. Anyway that Friday night was boring. I was watching tele the whole night. The pain of that night was I can't sleep! I tossed and turned but still can't. I managed to sleep only at around 5am. I think the boddy knows that there will be no sleeping on a Friday night. hahahaha

I woke up at around 6.30am had my shower then I went my so long awaited activity. Fishing.... I was so excited to go. I left the house at 7am. When I reach there most of them was surprised to see me as they thought I've quitted fishing. I told them iI just too my break for awhile. I straight away set up my tackle and started spinning. I met a few of the old kakis there and talk to them about the development of the fishing pond. they also ask me about the development of the federation weather we guys are doing ok or not and is the boss good. It is really a surprise that the ones that is asking me is all chinese. They describe the situation as though like they know what is going on. I told them everything is going to be alright. I caught a total of 8 fishes that day. I wasn't a bad catch but there was no biggies caught. At night I still did not go clubbing but we went to Nat's birthday party. The boys was alreay there. I went there with Gina. When I reach there it was a full house. The best part everybody was playing Bingo. I didn't recognize all the people who was there but it was ok. I played Bingo and Gina went to indulge herself with all the desserts. We stayed there and laugh and laugh to Jboy's joking moments as he is the host for Bingo. I sent Gina to the cab at around 1.30am then went back to the chalet and hangout with the boys. In the end everybody left and left with myself, Jboy, Hady and of course Ollie la cos it's his wifey's birthday. We stayed and chat and played some music. We left around 5am. Hady gave me a lift. When I reached home I straight away I crashed as I have to wake up by 8.30am to go for the friendly..

to be continued.............

A Dedication

2009-07-17T13:45:00.008+08:00

SERI KARMILA BTE ADBUL RAZIZ AKA NADIA, BADIA, CAYENNE

What is this I hear about you quitting, giving up hope, lost of respect, not interested and bla bla bla. Are you in the right state of mind when you saying this? Is this how you react to situations? Is this how you want to achieve your dreams of becoming a champion in the sport that you in? I am not angry at you but I feel a bit disappointed when hearing this. What I'm actually saying is that this is not right. Totally......

Some things in life is not worth keeping but some things in life it is worth fighting for. Fight for Love, Fight for Passion, Fight for the things that you think is rightfully yours. YOU DON'T GIVE UP at the first sight of rejection or failure. You simply go on... life goes on. You might say that who am I to interfere in your business. You know you are right. I got no right to interfere in your business but you have to remember that the sweet pretty girl who is always committed and determined to achieve what she wants is slipping away. By not looking up at all of you in the school is not that I have abandon and lacked the love for all of you. I still keep a lookout on you guys. Make sure that everything is well. You know that I will always have my way of getting information on how you and the others are putting up. And I know that I still owe you guys a treat from Swensons.

The thing is this Nadia, don't lose interest in what you doing. It's just that sometimes things just don't go our way. I know you put effort in the things that you do and in fact all of you do. You just have to ask yourself weather the effort that I put in is enough? It's not a matter of just doing the things that you do but doing the right things properly. If you do mistakes in math you have to do corrections and get the correct answer. If you are slower than the rest of the pack then you have to go faster. If you fall in front of a lot of people you better pick yourself up with your head up and walk. Be proud of what you have and not what you don't have. Use it as your advantage to overcome situations. At the same time, it's another lesson learnt when everytime you fail. Explore yourself deeper on what you can do. Don't limit yourself. Remember, some people who don't have hands but they still write using their feet. After all this, it's just a matter of time when you get your chance. When the time comes make sure you never back down...

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is Nothing......

One More Chance

2009-07-16T14:34:00.003+08:00

Last night with the boys was a chilled out night. It wasn't too rowdy and not too crowded. It was just nice. We just chilled and listen to Ollie's playlist of Hip Hop and R&B music. Syed Azmir and her sister Aziera was as usual doing the nonsense stuff. Me, Epul and Hady just chilled. Noting much happened. Gina came with Tomomi from Arena around 2. Everyone misses her. Anyway we left around 3.

The Big Man is in the office and keeping the ball rolling. I hope that everything will be back in order. Just got new instructions from him to assist with the AMAG team starting from next week onwards. This Sunday there is also trials for the kids. Giving some of them a chance to explore their skills more.

One of my friends is really down on some things that had happened. She related about how she feels and trying to overcome it. The thing is that I love to observe the things that is going on around me and try to figure it out but of course sometimes I got it totally wrong. The way I see it is that we have to treat our friends, colleagues, love ones, family etc equally. It's not just about weather they are better than each other or maybe they are good to you. It's really bad to see someone else suffer. Some might say that like real only you. Yes... I am no different. I did some really bad things to other people and make other people suffer. I hustled my daily life and con other people in other for my self gratification. I realized my doings and it's wrong and I tried my very best to make everything right. In this world nobody is perfect. You have to be a Prophet if you are..Like P.Ramlee say,"First class baik, Second class pun baik, kita semua bayar ape..". Sometimes people just don't see how much effort people put in for what they want and sometimes people just look down on others because of their capabalities. But whatever it is, the final analysist is not between you and them. It's between you and God. We don't have to care about what people say or how people look at us. You know what you doing. It's your choice. Go out there and take it. Success is a process, if it's given then it's not success.

Anyway, I have a few tickets for Syed Azmir's performance for Anugrah 09 this coming Tuesday. I don't know weather I'm going or not since the AMAG training has started. I guess it's up for grabs.

Better run a storm is coming.............

Ups and Downs

2009-07-14T12:50:00.004+08:00

Thanks to my loveliest Gina for the shoes. Hahaha.. I could boast that I am the only one in Singapore that i have a Supra GBR Vader. Woot! Woot! Ollie also got his Charcoal Green Vader. I'm planning to wear it this Wednesday. Giler Bai..... I also decided to give away my white Supras to Epul....

Anyway I met Gina on Sunday at around 11. She touchdown at around 3.30pm. She called me when I was at 4IG tournament at Jalan Besar. We had friendlies with the Sumatra Selatan team. The first round was at Silat Centre itself. The line up was Shakir, Firdhaus, Nurindah, Nur Liana and Nur Syafiqa. Out of 5 matches we won 3 of them. All of the boys and girls performed well. The second round was at Jalan Besar Community Centre during the 4IG tournament. The line ups were Rudy, Izwan Shah, Nurul Shafiqah and Nur Umairah. A bit disappointing with the match. Rudy and Nurul Shafiqah performed at their best but Rudy will always be out of breath. His stamina is totally cock up. Nurul Shafiqah performed really well despite her opponent was stronger. I will always like her determination. I was worried when she did a sweep and hit her operation part but she say she was ok. As usual la I will spray and put ice for her during intervals. The other two......Izwan was very afraid. He didn't even want to kick. I think he needs more time. I stayed there till around 7 plus then I left.. I was sitting with Abg Sheik all the way. You know la he will always be talking only. I also listen la. A lot of problems is going on and he's settling it one by one. He also mentioned about the boys going to Terengganu. He quite pissed off with some of his boys who went la. He said that they supposed to be here helping out or something. But I told him that maybe they need a break... Then he said yeah......

Anyway the weekends wasn't that fun. I got trick into going St James by Syed Azmir and Ali. They know that I wouldn't want to go there cos it's gonna be bored. We stayed until 3 plus then we went makan at KTM then we left. But then the Friday was awesome.....

Got to Love this Shoe!

2009-07-06T14:44:00.004+08:00

The weekends was good. I got to borrow ayul's camera and go around snapping shots. I love cameras and taking pictures. It's just amazing what technology can do. It takes the most beautiful shots and the most ugliest shots but then if you were lucky u can even get extra terrestrial shots also! Haha.....

How Bout This For A Shoe?

I went to watch the dance finals on friday night at Double O and surprisingly the Jinz are there! But they already told me that they were coming that night. The twins, Azri, Afiq, Siti and some other people I don't really know. The thing is that I was busy snapping away shots. I love that Canon but I still think that Nikon is better. I will get either one of it soon.

On saturday I Epul, Ollie, Nat, Jboy and Syed Azmir went to town and ate. We went to this restaurant called Garuda. It's a Indonesian cuisine restaurant. The food is nice and expensive. After makan Syed Azmir send us home. We reached home at around 11pm. After that as usual la, all of us get ready and head for the club. We reached there at around 1 plus as we left after midnite. I was still with the camera holding on and snapping away. Nothing much happened..

I'm still waiting for Gina to come home from her hometown in Japan. I missed her actually and she also bought me a present hahaha... A GBR SUPRA VADER. Baik Tommy....... Can't wait for to get that. Was talking to her on the phone yesterday and she is trying to get back to Singapore this Thursday as her best friend from Hong Kong is coming to town for a holiday. If she can't come back on Thursday then she'll come back on Sunday. Anyway I just can't wait for her to come back..

Love Love...

1st July 2009

2009-07-01T13:10:00.003+08:00

It's already 1st of July and the Big guy is still not in the office yet. It keeps on goin in my mind what is going to happen next with the federation. The SSC guys are busy with the AYG so i think they are forgetting us for awhile. A lot of things need to be done down here. The higher level of people just cannot make the decision. It's really frustating down here.

If this place go upside down, it's really going to be hell...

Love you guys more!!

Weekends

2009-06-29T14:43:00.003+08:00

The Nationals have ended...The club maintained the overall champion and eloped with a few other trophies. The big man must be happy. A lot of ups and downs during the championship and definitely a lot of favourism. I think it's turning crap. Every referees or even juries if they don't like your club they make sure they'll make you lose. It's really nonsense. Where is the passion that all of you said that you have and for the love of the sport? Save your breath..

I was quite dissappointed with some of the athletes which i expected more from them. Not particularly in my club but some under my care. I wish she could change the way she fights and starts to learn new techniques. She has the desire to win but it's not enough for her. She has to learn more techniques in order to be more superior like her sister. Her sister don't have that much techniques but she is strong and her mentality is strong. I hope that she bears in mind whatever I had said to her yesterday. I always believe in you...

Anyway me Ollie, Nat, Jboy, Epul and Syed Azmir went to eat seafood yesterday. Syed Azmir came abit late because he has this birtday event to attend too so we started eating first and he came later. I was getting sick so cannot eat much maybe lack of sleep during the weekends. The boys eat the rest of the food.

The weekends was good. The party was superb. The competition overall good......

Love can only take you that far....

2009-06-23T12:16:00.003+08:00

I was on leave yesterday.. Was too tired after the barbeque on Sunday. After the Nationals on Sunday I straight away went the the BBQ reunion. But a bit about the Nationals first, my club did quite well with the match category.. A total of 30 finalist. On top of that we bagged 6 golds in the artistic category. I hope that this year we could maintain the overall champion status.

A lot had happened during the championship on Sunday when some of the crowd turned hooligans. Throwing bottles into the arena. If I can recall this is the first time this incident happened. These people simply don't have brains or maybe just plain stupid. On top of that there were some motorcycle gang shouting out their colours. What the hell... Padahal it's only Silat. But of cos I'm wary about the surroundings. You know anything can happen..

Some of the kids lost that day. It was very hard to see them lose but sometimes this kids might have a mental block and couldnt really think about what they doing or maybe the cornerman is just a cornerman and simply don't know what to do. Some people just want the title to be a coach or a Head Coach even. It's so glamorous ain't it when you have that kind of title.

This kind of things happens every year during the Nationals. Favourism, Club pride, people wanting status, overgrown man quarrelling withe each other over small issues, referees not being fair and even all the aunties don't act like aunties. And you know what all this is because of Silat. I am not saying that I am good or anything but do think like a sane person. Always talk about the love of the sport but never do anything about it. You know what.. Love can just take you that far but in the end you still need to survive. Money will make you survive..

Anyway next week is the semis and finals. I really hope it doesn't get rowdy. I'm tired of all this. And i also hope that kakak will go slow on her son. It's ok sometimes people just make mistakes. He is really a potential athlete including his two beautiful sisters. It just take time to learn. Muhammad Ali always say,'Even the greatest got to suffer sometimes'. It's not a matter of how much hits he can take but it's how hard can he come back up and walk with his head up. I also understand it's sad to see them lose but it's a thing that we have to accept.

Anyway the bbq was great. Great time to hangout with friends and eat. The food was awesome. Everybody was there. Stayed until late that's why had to take leave on monday... hehehe

It is Goooood.........

2009-06-18T13:15:00.002+08:00

It was really a good day yesterday including the night. It was the shiet! At work is the usual la... FB 24/7 and chat all the way to chicago. It is really tiring to have a job like mine. I am happy that Hidayat is smiling again. If not he will be like moody always. I think some problems he encountered. Anyway had fun talking to the kids and wasting my time talking nonsense. Love them to death. I hope they won't pick up the nonsense that i always spit out.

I got a three way thing going on with Bit and Nana. I was like Magnum P.I. I always want to know everything., whats going on and stuff withe the kids and the people. I think there are some crushes going on in the centre. I love you.. why you not love me kind of thing hahaha... This investigation is on a hush-hush basis. So it's a secret period. Let it burst in the stomach and don't let it burst out of the mouth! You guys know who you are..

The night was good. Actually I was planning to go Holland village with Ali to chill out but got cancelled. I end up at Obar again...(tak jelak2 kape kau dzul). Anyway it was good last night. We reached at around 1am. The usual suspects la.. Syed Azmir and the sister picked Epul then they picked me and lastly Helmi. I was really busy last night really. I was like the public relations or something. Epul said,"bro skarang sua kecoh, asal lu tak datang je Obar risau!" Haha.. Anyway we did the usual stuff la bought drinks and gossiping about people's move and stuff. Suprisingly Adeeqa & Atyra was there and not to mention a lot of really realy hot girls. Almost got into a fight also last night. When Aziera told me that the guy touched her bums. But then Diki stepped in to settled the commotion. He told me that he knows what colours they wearing. Gina and her girls were there too. Love her to Death. It was good fun.

I have a thing to do for Syed Azmir's birthday party coming up. I am supposed to do the guestlist. The party will be held at Double O and it's gonna happen soon.. Woot! Woot!

4 black apples, 4 jager bombs, 3 bombshells, 1 samoka

I friend you, Why you not friend me?

2009-06-15T13:00:00.002+08:00

There are a few times in life where suddenly put you to a stop to do anything. You can feel that actually you are drifting away. The emptiness inside you. It's like whatever you do won't feel right. Whenever your friends gather together and did not call you up, you feel that your friends are gonna put you aside. Thise kinds makes your thinking corrupted. But the funny things is that you can actually feel that there is a tension in between. The only thing is that they are not showing. Sometimes people have good intentions and sometimes people have bad intentions. Sometimes also people have resentment that they just need to gratify themselves. Sometimes people just think that that you are just not needed. Sometimes people are just jealous of the capabilties of what you can do. Sometimes people think that you are a threat to them. Sometimes people think that you have expired. The bottomline is that they just don't know what is going on. They just think that they know everything but the fact is they know nothing. It's just a case of favoritsm or maybe just do whatever they like kind of thing. I'm getting tired of this kind of nonsense. Everybody is acting like a kid. I don't friend you kind of thing. It's simple, if you don't like it you can talk like a man. Don't hide behind those curtains and bitchin about other people's business. Don't act like you know them, the fact is you just don't know them. They don't mean harm. The world can really be a brutal place but people are just learning. The president also allow second or third chances. Even God is forgiving.....

I friend you, why you not friend me?

fight for love

2009-06-02T12:42:00.003+08:00

I was being very emotional this few days. Maybe its just one of the days when you just feel down for no reason.

My degree is approved and the bridging course is starting next week. The thing is that where am i gonna get the money to pay for this. In total $17,120.00. Shit! Where gonna get the money. I have applied the coaches develpment grant hopefully they will approve it. On top of that haven't get pay. What else can go wrong... It didn't happen only just this month ok. This late thingy is flipping my paper. It's already been a few months like this. Sometimes I just feel like turning the pail but it is really painful to do it. To leave these kids just like that is very hard for me. All the years that I have been here I think I have developed a very tight bond with this kids. I just dunnoe what is gonna happen down here. Wish that the big guy was here.

Going crazy very soon.....

A Good Night

2009-05-28T13:17:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a good day... I actually was on facebook the whole day. I was practically playing games on the computer. Nothing else.. I was smiling when I received a text from a friend. It's been awhile that i heard from her. She went through some mishaps and slowly recovering from it. A sweet funny girl she is. I hope that things will turn out well for her..

I went out yesterday. Surprisingly with a different crew! The boys decided not to go because of the BIG FINALS of Barca and Man United. The thing about me and soccer we have this love hate relationship. Don't get me wrong... it's not that i don't like soccer but i hate to watch it but I still love to play it. So the boys gave it a pass. Representing my crew for last night is Mr Raziz, Mr Sheikh Harun, Mr Dzulkarnain, Mr Syariff Hidayatullah, Mr Fauzi, Ms Juliana, Ms Zuhrah, Ms Saiedah and the other girl I forgot her name. She was actually Zuhrah's friend. Quite ok la... So how about that to make up a crew...

I was out quite early because I got a lift from Raziz. We reached there at around 11 plus i think. I didn't keep track of the time. Anyway when I reached there Zuhrah and her friend was already inside and the rest were waiting outside. Then as usual la... I will have a guestlist and everybody went in for free. I find it ridiculous to pay the cover charge. You have to pay twenty bucks just to get in and get only one drink. On top of that you still have to buy your own drinks. Fuck that crap...

When we were in it was quite empty so like everyone like a bit bored la.. With the three boys running around playing hide and seek with the juggies its quite a blur. I went to smoke and met Dj Kzee at the smoking section and we talk crap la... as usual he sign for me teo bottles of heine's and it was good for me... Then decided to go in la cos it's getting bored. So decided to sit in the Dj console. Dj Big was spinning his set. The boys were still playing hide and seek. When I ask them where are the rest then Nana ask to look at the dancefloor. There they are.. all the girls Juliana, Saiedah, Zuhrah, Zuhrah's friend, Sheik Harun and Raziz. They doin their thing on the dancefloor. First it was quite awkward la to see them because we work together ma... seldom see they let down their hair. Don't be surprise... all of them have moves ok...from Saiedah to Raziz, all of them have their moves. By then Zuhrah's friend was already high... So she pulled Saiedah to dance with her.. You know la Saiedah the shy2 type. But then last night she made an improvement. She dance on the podium! Seldom you get to see she do this things. Have to buy lottery ticket already. I don't know what else happen.. Anyway she didn't only pulled Saiedah la... Everybody also she pull.. Then one of the bouncers got a jug for me. Apa lagi.. Go! I guess all of them were having fun that night. Releasing the stress in them. Good for them. I as usual la.. looking at girls and distubing people. Saiedah and Juliana left early. I left around 1.30 to go to a more familiar ground.

By the time i get out from the taxi, Renee is already shouting my name. She working at DblO entrance. I do the usual routine la.. Met a few people shake hands and all that la.. Suprisingly there was not much people in O. I think they went to Butter. It's good also la.. Not hot. Anyway to conclude the night was good. There was no stress no quarrelling nothing but people having fun on their own.. But to see this people having fun just made my day. It's a pity that some of the girls and boys can't be with us...

2 heine's, 1 jug Bourbon, 2 jugs black apple, 1 B52

From the Heart

2009-05-21T12:01:00.002+08:00

I didn't go out last night. I was still sick. I was tempted to go when Epul called but then I decided not to..

I am very irritated with some people sorrounding me. They make you feel like your not wanted or did something wrong or whatever it is. For 5 years i was here and never did I been calculative of anything. I did everything from the heart. Yes i admit that at times I might slack in my performance and start not doing my work and all. I cop to that. But I will always bounce back as we proceed. I would appreciate if you would tell me that I am wrong to do this or do that. After all we are only human. We always make mistakes.

I don't do it for them cars and fancy drops and I don't do it for the chains and flashing rocks.

Now this is what they call poetry in motion My soul BLEEDS on the paper, heart SCREAMS with emotion It's my daily devotion, the verses stay deeper than the ocean So hip-hop you owe me a promotion! Yeah I do a lilttle boastin and braggin What's all the commotion and naggin about? Is it 'cause I'm still the champ in the South? 'Cause rappers get in the booth and I keep draggin em out? Well they're fired, and these pink slips, I'm handin em out 'Cause this is "Theater of the Mind," consider it a sign of what's to come next, my money's just fine Bank filled with dumb checks, terrorist threat flow Proceed to drop bombs like Mr. Funk Flex But I don't do it for the money, I do it from the heart I do it with the beat box, I did it from the start I do it for the dee jays, I do it for the charts The Van Gogh flow, Luda do it 'cause it's art I do it for the fans, I do it on command I do it for the front row, I do it for the standsI spit it for the hood, I do it for the block And since nine years old I did it for hip-hop So...

Ludacris

Verse 1

I do it for Hip Hop

It just comes to a point.....

2009-05-18T12:17:00.005+08:00

Everybody has a limit to their patience. No matter how they endure it for very long, one day he or she will just break and snap! Weather you are in a relationship, at your working place, in training or even while patying. It will just come to a point where the temperature rises to the max and you just have to react.

Last weekend at Obar I just could not take it anymore. I wasn't disturbing anybody and doing my own thing. I reach at Obar at around 10pm. I got a lift from Ollie. I was supposed to go attica. Wanted to meet an old friend who's working there but then i decided not to. So i hang around at tivoli with a few of people and talking crap while waiting for Ollie to start his set. The boys reached at around 1.15am. Epul, Ali boxer, Syed Azmir, Hady and Helmi came to join in the fun. It was really fun at the start when everybody was happy having fun. We went to see the bouncers to get our stamps and we proceed our way in. I was happy to be there and listening to music and moving to the beats. Renee was in early with her camera taking pictures a for the EHG website. Then as usual la I will take the camera and start taking pictures of everybody.

It all happened when i was at the dance floor taking pictures. I bump into these guys who were just about to start a fight. Suddenly instincts just took over and i told them, "Guys you all want to fight go outside la.. Down here people just want to party". Being an angry person of course you are aggressive. He said,"What!? What you want!?". He kept on shouting. I almost land Renee's camera on his face but I kept my cool. By the time the bouncers was there to bring him out. Then I just chill and continue take pictures. But then decided to give Renee back the camera. I didn't bother about that guy because I think that he was just out of his mind. I decided to go smoke, while walking suddenly there was another commotion so i waited for awhile to let the bouncers clear the problem. While waiting for them to clear then I went back to where i stood and drank while waiting for the bouncers to clear the problem. After they cleared while I was going out suddenly this malay guy pushed me,"Eh lu mau apa ni!?" I was quite irritated,"Eh lu gila kapa? Lu tolak gua ke gua tolak lu? I pushed him on the shoulder and almost getting agressive. Then suddenly he's friend jump in and,"Burger, he's my boy la dun get agressive ar..." This 'Man Jerung' is some gangster that I know. "Lu orang gaduh dengan orang lain lu orang jangan chap orang sembarang sia..." i replied irritatingly then i walk off and smoke outside.

While I was smoking outside suddenly everybody was asking "Burg asal lu ada problem ape?" I said "no la..." All of my friends knew that i was the last person to find fault. There was a lot of fights that night at Obar. I also heard that Wan Shah also got in to a fight when some guy scolded his mum in some way. He offered him one on one in the lift. To make the story short that guy slept on the floor..

I went in after smoke. Renee bought me a Black Apple. This Renee girl is so nice to me evrytime. Then just had two or three sips when suddenly this malay guy and a girl which I thought they were malay was asking what am i staring at? I turn around and see that there was nobody and i asked'"You are asking me?" "Yeah mother............ you!". I told him," Why don't you take your girlfriend and walked out quitly. I don't want any trouble.." By this time I know that he is some foreigner because of his accent. But he still insist standing there and cursing but he standing behind his girlfriend,"You mother...... you have no balls". In my heart i said that he is just showing off in front of his girlfriend so I told him one more time,"Bring your girlfriend out quietly I don't want any trouble". The boys were also around just waiting to jump at him. The last straw came when he still insisted and keep on cursing my mother. I went to him," Mother........... I will kill you nig..!" The boys automatically jump in and pulled the guy out and calling for the bouncers. The bouncers pulled him out. I put my drink down and go out. Yus Kodong ask me, "Burg asal?" I just simply pointed at the guy. "Keras takde kalau nak kaup go.....one to one?" I said,"Ok". He was like my fight manager asking what type of fight do I want. No la...he is the Chief of Security and he is a good friend of mine. I told Ali boxer to get the girl aside. That guy was still cursing but the girlfriend is still covering him. I reacted, I couldn't stand it anymore, I just want to make him shut up. I gave him a full blown kick and and grab his shirt suddenly all the boys jump in. I was still holding him and giving punches and knees. Kicks and punches are coming from every direction. By that time he is lying on the floor. It all happened less than a minute. That guy still tried to stand up and cursing. I went up to him and gave him a full blown punch and he drop down quietly than i walk off. We went to Living room to chill for a bit. Azmir Epul Hady Ali were laughing because of the way we reacted. Then Epul say,"Dzul lu jangan pakai sleeveles la..., hari ni semua orang nak lu.." all of them laughed. We chilled for a bit with Casper and then we went home...

The thing is I offered him to go and be safe he did not want to take it. I swear I did not want to fight and I'm not proud of it. It just spoils the reputation that i have. It will have effect on Ollie because he is working there and because we always hangout with him. It's just that it comes to a point where you just can't take it anymore. You just can't keep quite when someone keeps on cursing you mother don't you. I pitied the guy but he deserved it.

Remorse.........

Last Night

2009-05-14T14:04:00.004+08:00

Its very quiet in the office. Most of the coaches are out for the competition in Kulai Jaya for the Sijori Championship. The best part is I didn't do a damn thing yesterday while in office. I was on facebook the whole day seeing other contact's profiles and also exploring how to use it better. haha mcm faham only..

Went to Obar last night with Syed Azmir. Epul and Ali didn't want to go so like not enough kakis la.. I still wanted to go cos promised some people. Ollie text me earlier and said that he would be driving if I'm coming if not he will be riding. So i said yes la I will be coming. I hope that he is not thinking that I'm taking advantage of him just because of his car. Actually I also like malu la everytime tumpang his car. But I always say thank you when he drops me. I love my friends, won't trade them for anything at all. I have been taking a lot of pictures with this Colleen babe alot these days. At Obar I mean. She's hot ok... She also very fun to be with and talk with. Also met her friend Nad also very hot. Aiseyman... Then Rennee as usual with the camera and taking everybody's picture. She also is a crazy fun girls to be with. Adeeqa and Amin was also ther. Adeeqa lost weight. Now a bit more slimmer. Was talking to Phyreman about the Donut event. I told him like now there is going to be Old Skool Hip Hop events every where. I told him that maybe he should be more creative with the event like having an open mic session during the event with Ollie spinning his beats. Then those who want to rhyme can take the mic show what they can do with it. But not to do battles. Then he said that he has already plan it. It's going to be a series of events right to the finale. He is going to promote very strongly. Then there going to be a competition and KRS1 is going to be the judge. Come on....!! KRS1?! Judge?! You got to be kidding me! No he said.. I'm serious. It was quite fun last night. Syed Azmir suddenly went missing with some chick dunnoe where he went. Suddenly when the lights went on he suddenly appeared smiling. Must be something going on la.. Went home with Ollie. We drop off Colleen at tekkah. Tekkah punya food is good ok. Then took a stroll with Ollie to view his new house. I think he is very excited about his new house. I wish the boys were there..

3 Black Apples, 2 Jager Bombs, 1 Bombshell

My degree is starting soon but where want to get the money from. Only if money can grow on trees.

BRAH!!

If you don't know Now you know

2009-05-12T11:41:00.002+08:00

It's getting really weird in the office. People are keeping more and more secrets. I can actually feel the heat. But actually not all la... I can see the body languange which is being reacted. It's very sad to see that. But you know what I'm not in this office for that. I don't bother all these nonsense. I'm here for the boys and girls who wants to be the one. Anyway i feel that something good is going to happen soon.

I got some news from my cousin's wife regarding my cousin. I actually got to know first from my mum. I actually didn't want to talk about it because I know that mama will actually will be prolonging the dialog. After hearing it from mum I toled her that now the things have happened we can't be like naging everytime and telling that you should listen to me and all those things. We just need to support them at this moment. Give them solutions in order to overcome the situation. Everybody makes mistakes in their life. Weather it's a small or big mistake it don't matter.

It's like this, my cousin has just been caught by narcotics and now been remanded and awaiting court sentence. He is being charge for four charges. Posession of offensive weapon, Driving without a license, Possesion of cannabis and Possesion of ice. The thing that got me worried is the last two charges. My cousin's wife told me that the drugs was quite a lot. He was just one gram below the death sentence after filtering. It a lot of things occured in miy mind. What is going to happened next. My aunty is really down but she trying to appeal by using a lawyer which cost alot. This aunty of mind is my father's sister which is the eurasion side of me. And knowing them which they have their own diferences i actually do not know weather they'll come together for this. I hope that they will.

Another cousin of mine has also just given birth and this also another issue. The problem is they not married and has been living with her boyfriend for quite sometime. A lot of the aunties and uncles been talking about her but i wish her all the best in her life. I was chatting to her on facebook yesterday asking her about the birth she says she's ok. I ask her to stay strong with the critics. She said that she could not be bothered by that.

The thing with all this is I can understand what they going through. The world is a hardknock place. People will only see the bad things that you do but won't see the good things that you do. It's happening everywhere and also even in the office. Some people think that they have gone through everything experiencing in this and that but people won't know until they hit rock bottom.

If you don't know now you know......

The boys and girls are going out for the Sijori championships tomorrow. Wish could be with them.. You guys are the best..

Troubled Times

2009-05-07T11:22:00.002+08:00

It seems that there is a lot of things is going on. Enough of problems in the federation and it actually have a snowball effect on the people as well. Some of the girls and boys are having some insecurities over something. I can sense it. The competitions keep on cancelling and they getting restless. The boss is also on leave for 2 months. The Nationals are coming soon. I hope that everythings going to be alright.

Another friend of mine her mum is in hospital. I hope she will also be ok. Hoping to see her soon because she's leaving don't know where. I think she needs time for herself to recuperate. I hope also she'll be alright.

GOD Grant them the Serenity to accept the things that they cannot change, the courage to change the things that they can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

Friends

2009-05-04T11:34:00.003+08:00

It was Epul's birthday today.. Ali called me at 3.00pm yesterday just to tell me what he's plan is for tonite. He says this is top secret so you cannot tell anybody about it. What we gonna do tonight is that we going to assemble at Epul's void deck at 11.30pm. By 12.00am we goin up to his house and going to surprise him. I asked him about the cake and all. Hesaid he got it all covered so I said ok.

Syed Azmir pick me up and we left to Epul's place. We were the first to reach. Syed Azmir was very excited over this. Then Ollie and Nat came, Syed Azmir was jumping and putting his finger on his lips signalling not to make noise. Then Ali, Syed Hady, Syahrul and Jboy came. Syed Azmir still excited. By 11.50pm we set up the cake and got up to Epul's place and standby. By 12 we started banging his window. He did not open. He has this attitude whereby sometimes he jus don't want to entertain people. When the door open, it was his sister and Syed Azmir still doing the same thing. When Epul came out of his room all of us sang for him. We sang so loud until the neighbours all came out of their house. hahaha.. We chilled at Epul's house eating the Swenson's cake bought by Ali. After that we went to simpang bedok and had supper. We chat and laugh for quite awhile.

It is amazing what friends would do for you. Friends......

The weekends was great! Partied all the ways. On Saturday partied till dawn. Woohoo..! was great.

Wednesday

2009-04-29T13:14:00.000+08:00

My first task of the day is taking the training for dinni, shakir and edah. Its been so long since doing training in the morning with them. I felt a bit lost i must say but instinct just kick in. Started a bit late cos i overslept la.. We finish the training at around 12 plus. It wasn't that bad . But i enjoyed doing their training. I have to do it every morning now..

The thing about doing training in the morning is that I'm scared that i just coudn't wake up. Yes i start work at 10am but you know that i can take my time but in training cannot be late. Very bad example. Hahaha.. Anyway the real reason is that i can't go clubbing la.. Want to wake up very hard.

I hope that the boys are going out tonite... Woohoo..

How far would you go for your loved ones..

2009-04-28T11:10:00.000+08:00

I was watching this movie online last night and it really got me thinking. How far would you actually go for the ones that you love.. your family, your friends, your girlfriend, your boyfriend whoever is on your loved one list. Sometimes we just can't be bothered about what is happening around our loved ones either we just too busy with work or just simply don't want to know. What if your loved one is kidnapped, battered, robbed or even worse murdered. Shit! I would freak out for sure. But would you go all out breaking the law making a mess in the street or would you just let some other party handle the situation? Injustification will be felt. Feeling to retaliate and do alot stuff. You won't be able to think straight. Everything will be not right. Everybody is wrong. After that then we will realize.. I should have called, I should have been more caring, I should have this should have that. By that time it will be too late.

If it was me i would be all lost. I would be like don't know what to do. I would like to unleash the other side of me but then would i be appreciated? But i would do it anyway.. I love my family, my friends. They are my life. I would back them up anytime. The feeling that i have for them is eternity.

Taken.....

Good Weekend

2009-04-27T10:49:00.000+08:00

I'm always happy when it comes to weekends. I get to see my friends and my friends are the most important thing to me right now. They are the pillars of my life. If it was 15 years back I think I won't bother about them. Now it's totally different.

Was out with the boys on friday and saturday. We had fun at Obar. We talk about all the crappy things, drink shots, make fun out of others, watching girls and mcm2 lagi la.. I have developed a habit where i will want to stand in the DJ console beside Ollie evrytime now. I actually do not know when actually the habit started but whenever I'm in there i feel really good. I told Ollie to just pretend that i was his hypeman. Hahahaha... I realised something that after all this years clubbing we still had fun. We always talk about till when we going to end this but eventually we will still end up at the same spot the next week. Its about the company and friendship that we have in life.

I have this thing to decide about weather to bail out or to keep. I had this feeling for this girl. She quite pretty and very matured. We always talk on the phone daily. One day 5 or 6 times we talk to each other. I developed a likeness for her. But the thing is that everytime I asked her out she would declined me with all these stupid reasons. The best part is when i asked when I asked when I could see her and the answer is next year. I think she is just playin with me. U know like teasing me or leading me somewhere but i haven't been talking to her for two weeks now..

The other is a teacher which I met in in Obar. It was on one Wednesday when I was buying drnks at the bar counter suddenly she came up and gave me a tissue paper. She caught me off guard. When I opened up the tissue its was her phone number. I actually don't know what to do. So i told the boys about it ar... But towards the end i remembered that she was the girl that epul was talking about some time back. Anyway about her she like biskut mary.. sometimes have sometimes don't have. But do not know where she leading me too. She is always busy with work but sometimes she calls me and always tell me don't forget to eat and all.

I think the best part is just let the matter rest for awhile and see what happens and take it from there.

Last friday i was really happy to see Epul smile and having fun again. It's been a long time since he did that. I think its the chinese chick. Yea, definitely the chines chick! Even when going home still smiling.

Anyway after all that party and bullshit, today is Monday and i have to work. Back to reality but i can't wait for the weekends.. Hahahaha

If you got no luck than Good Luck!

Bored

2009-04-21T11:28:00.000+08:00

I have not been sleeping properly these two days. I will sleep before twelve and i will be awaken exactly at 3am. It has been happening for the past 2 days. On top of that, weird dreams..one after one. I did sower before i go to sleep and all but still they came by.

It's the second day of work today and still lost. It is so painful to wake up from the comfortness of the bed. But stil have to wake up. The thing is that the whole office just can't afford to be late anymore. There is somebody new in the bosses office. He is from SSC and claims that whilst the man is not around he will be doing his duties. For how long? Two months max. The office is not the same anymore. Not the usual fast pace environment. Now its like more secretive. Everything is secret.

SLeepy...........

First of 2009

2009-04-20T14:25:00.000+08:00

Hahaha..... it's very frightening to know that you can predict what your future is. How dark it is when you can't even see your own hands.

It's a hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been on leave for more than 3 months but the holidays went short. I was supposed to start work on the 1st of May but was pulled back. Alot of things has happened when was not in the office. A bit lost on the first day of work today. Do not know where to start. Anyway, the office was in a state of emergency. Staff been terminated, staff been rested and don't know what other bullshit.

A friend and a family has been stopped of his services and kinda missing him. He stayed with me for more than 5 mths. First it was only supposed to be 2 weeks but in the end was 7 mths. He was very close to the family. Someone that can talk to and someone that can be relied on..

I broke up with Gina after 4 years together. It is a waste putting all the effort and time. It's just a matter of religion. She don't want to convert so it's going to be a waste of time. But we are still friends. It is sad though.

Been partying a lot with the boys lately. Didn't really bother about anything even about health. Just party, party and party. Met a few people along the way. Discovered a few people along the way. Got into trouble along the way. Quarrelled with people along the way. But most of all the friends that are with me that tolerate my nonsense everytime. I appreciate these people alot. Don't have to mention names cos you know who you are.

I'm feeling quite emotional these few days. About work, people and family. I feel that it's getting harder and harder to live in this city. I know i can't please everybody and cannot expect everybody to understand me. But for me to choose is hard. Really hard.. Somebody got to take the hit..

If i got the chance to choose a character in a movie I would be Jason Bourne where he do not know who he really is but he have all the skills to survive in the mainstream. The only thing is that he is in that movie and I'm not.

All these months which I was not working I've developed psychological resilience. The flexibility in response to changing the situational demands, and the ability to bounce back from my negative emotional experiences.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that i cannot change, courage to change the things that i can and the wisdom to know the difference..

The Final Analysis

2007-08-31T13:26:00.000+08:00

I 've been working in the federation for almost 5 years now... Since the first time i step in till today i have seen a lot of shit going on. I've seen this place grown a lot. Seen the people changed and changed people. People talk about people. People think about people. People backstabbing people. It's all about the people. The people made made it happen. The management made it happen. He made it happen.

I guess in life it cannot be enough for all humans. I cannot understand how people can be so selfish towards oneself and letting other people suffer. It's not that they don't know how to do work but they just simply didn't bother. I have been paid this much so you get this quality of work from me. A dollar for a dollar kind of thing. These people just won't go the extra mile for something good. For the benefit of the federation, no but for benefit of oneself, yes. That's just crap! How to improve oneself if you just don't go the extra mile in your life. You only get one shot at things and these things comes once in a lifetime. As a human we could think which one is good and which one is bad for you in life. It's true it's your life but how wouldit effect others. Won't others be miserable and have start all over? You know it will. But this things just happens. Its just a way of life.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Their Time to Shine

2007-08-30T15:06:00.000+08:00

All this while been trying to prove to people that the pack is doing very well. I felt very proud of them despite that this was a small competition. I sent only a pack of 11. The preparation was not really good despite the fact that i was running out. At the same time also the kids were having their examinations so everytime the class was half empty. I was a bit worried at first but i trusted them on this.

When it came to the actual day, honestly i was quite surprised. I didn't know that the team had a lot of supporters. The parents, the athletes. I'm quite impressed and really appreciate of their support towards the kids. The atmosphere was good too. It was an air-conditioned hall so less complaints and less people get hot headed very fast.

The competition was good. A total of 8 golds and 1 bronze and 2nd Overall. I was really really very impressed towards the kids cos they went out of their mind performing. What i meant was they really did good. Even some of them are first timers, they actually impressed the people around. Got very good remarks about them. It's about time that they get noticed.

Targets been achieved on the day. Nadia got what she wants against Liana. I really am proud of this girl. Fin & Izzati had proven everyone wrong that they didn't only want to be in the artistic category. Farhan never fails to impress. The newcomer Brother Bo won the hearts to some people with his performance. Alfian is always standing strong. Amira still with her trademark with crying and Memei has shown to people that what she is capable of. Those who didn't win also improved. Ferdous has start applying jumping backs. Shamil is getting more aggressive but the only thing is that to work on his anxiety. He's too excited about stuff. Ashidiq, i wish he had come for more trainng sessions. As a whole they were dope. They were extremely good. In 5 to 10 years to come definitely they will shine.

To all the people who came, thank you for supporting the kids.

Relived

2007-08-30T14:24:00.000+08:00

It's very long since i typed something down. Been a but confused lately with some bullshit. Really dunnoe how to deal with this so decided to chill for awhile. The last few weeks i really had a hard time to deal with myself. I'm having a lot of cravings lately and doing a lot of isolation. Its bad for me definitely. i know for sure. The last time i had this cravings and followed the flow i end up in rehab again. I had to do a lot of mind masterbation with myself to cool it. Focused on other things but it simply won't go away. I did the normal stuff whenever i had cravings but it simply won't go away. Shit! it's crazy. I simply realised it was me. The problem was me. I don't need this shit anymore. And i really can do this shit without the shit. I have the most beloved people around me. Queen Jamilah & King Jaffar, Shaq and Big Casper. Not to mention a lot of other people Numerico, Ray Curly Valentine, Truckker Boy, Cuban, Arab this people surely know how to have a good time and show a good time. I know they have my back. The Empire of Jinz is lookin good..real good. Rock on Jinz and Jintinaz.. I guess due to their training and the rapport that they have among them. The big boyz are not around due to their promotion thingy. I'm feling calmer now and seeing things very clearly.

One Love

Smelling Smoke...(Repercussions Part 2)

2007-07-05T13:03:00.000+08:00

I don't really know how to feel about this. I don't know weather to feel sad, happy, disappointed, remorse, angry, i just don't know how the f*%k i should feel but it is really an annoying feeling. I've been relating it to some people but it's simply not working for me. Just got to know this from mummy ros when we finished with the Vietnamese trials. We went to Teh Tarik at tampines to drink something. Before that i was really hungry to eat something but when i reach there i simply had no appetite of eating or what so ever. That is when Mummy Ros told me;

Mummy Ros : Abg Jul, aku ade crita sikit pasal tunang lama kau.
Jul : Tunang lame yg mana satu.( I thought she was refering to some chick donkey years back)
Mummy Ros : Tunang kau yang recent tu la...
Jul : Oh..Apasal?
Mummy Ros : Dia dah collect cincin lagi.
Jul : Huh? Tapi kita belum settle lagi, amcam dia boleh engage lagi?
Mummy Ros : Eh! Aku ingat da settle?
Jul : Belum...

At this time i was already confused weather to believe this or not. I decided to call my closest cuzzy to confirm. When i call her she was on the way to her honeymoon cos she just got married. She confirmed that the news was true and she also got to noe this morning. In my heart i was like what the f*%k? I was confused but i kept my cool in front of everybody.

Its been almost 2 years that we were not talking because of some issue. I really don't know weather it's me or her. I have my reasons. I am a very reasonable and open minded person but people just simply take advantage of that. I have already quit fighting because she does not want me to cos she cannot stand me get injured and all those bullshit. After that, i continued my hobby of fishing. I cannot go fishing because it is a waste of time and money. Furthermore i don't have time for her cos i have been working like a dog. Almost did it. Her luck just ran out when she ask me to quit working at SSF. That just blew off my mind. How can you ask me to quit the only thing that i love the most. Who's going to support me? Who's going to give me money? You? I can't believe it when she say that. Then I told her that i need time off. The time off led to almost 2 years. I thought that maybe that she could come to her senses and realize what she doing. She's being to selfish. Thinking bout herself. In this 2 years i was hoping that she would call and maybe happen one my time but it didn't. Then i was at my cousin's wedding last saturday and she complained to me that she not happy with her. She was upset that she cannot come to her wedding cos she got to work but my cousin knew that she was afraid to run into me. My cousin knows my issue with her so i told my cousin that i will ask my mother to go meet her mum and settle this within this week. Maybe we could workout this issue. Start afresh or something. But when i got the news it just didn't happen.

In some part i would blame my self cos i did not call or do something about it but do you think that i need to? The words has gone out about the bad boy is back and doing his shit. But that boy is still hanging in there for hope. I told mama about this and she said,'Doa'kan asal orang bahagia jul...., Biar orang buat kita, kita jgn buat orang'. I think mother has been watching a lot of 'Hikmah'. I know that. I don't mind she getting engage to some rich dude or anything but have some courtesy to tell me. I haven't been so cool like this for a very long time. I really am calm but i just don't know what to feel. Like yat say,"Ni macam lu cium asap la..."

Damn.....

Right back at cha...

2007-07-02T12:12:00.000+08:00

The day was going fine when at PSK day when a lot of the kids was going thru their semi final rounds. The first game that i had to do was for the junior boys.. It went well. The most heaviest game that i had to carry was between the Jackal and the Rock. It was the the second game at the senior category. Having to know that this game had high quality value, i was not scared to admit that i was feeling a bit nervous. At the same time adrenaline is pumping thru my veins. When the games started both was carefull on their attacks. The games went on till it finish. It was a fifty-fifty game chance of winning. In the end it was the Rock who emerge victorious. Its going to be against the Rascal next week. I think this year is his year. Was doing good with the games alot had win and a lot had lost. I was focusing very well on the games. I lost my focus when was being questioned where my loyalty at. It bothers me. After all i have done and people asking me this? This i not the first time. I tried to forget about it but it just simply won't go away. I couldn't focus very well. I'm not good at this part where to seperate my anger. I have to deal with this everytime. My anger is my weakness. After thinking about it for awhile maybe they were just joking cos i had to take the corner for team singapore and i got SSS back. I know that abg Juanda was just playing with me but i bet that history repeats itself. Enough about all the allegations. I'm sick of it all. I did not ask for this. If you want to lead this pack you can have the red carpet to do so. I don't need this. I prefer to be a general worker. But f*%k it. If you have a problem with me solve it yourself. I'm not in for the money. I'm in for the kids who sacrifice their time to come down for training despite they staying far away. They have an objective. Like you guys which have no objectives and talking around peoples back, go cut your weenies and feed it to the dogs. Enough of this shit. I'm tired of it. By the way at PSK, all the kids did well. All their training paid off. In two years time i bet they will be untouchable.

Laydee Bit: Fight was not excellent but it was good. National training is not a torture, take your time to blend in and get the hang of it.

Dinni: It was a very impressive fight, just imagine that you quit the game and eventually you won the game. That's a gold medal lost.

Keen: It was a good one but the jury's decision was simply crap! It's just a trial. The real thing will be coming soon...

Repercussions

2007-07-02T11:39:00.000+08:00

I went to my cuzzy's wedding the other day wit Ja lips, Kings Jaffar and Queen Jamilah. I have this things about weddings. I just simply hate to go to weddings. Even if my mum say that,"Pegi la jul...., kan nanti boleh jumpa saudara kamu semua". At first that i told my cus that i won't be coming cos its PSK week so i will be very busy. Then she threatened me not to talk or to call her anymore cos i won't be coming to her wedding. There's is another reason also that i don't want to go to her wedding cos she is my fiance's friend. I actually don't know how it is weather to call her my fiance or ex fiance but its not been officially said yet. Its been almost two years that we have not been talking. My cuz said that she had move on and i? I don't know. I have moved on i guess. Anyway my cuz told me that she won't be coming cos she got to work. But she don't work on saturdays. I guess she trying to avoid me also. So i decided to tell my mum to finish this once and for all. My mum will talk to he mum and officially end this. I hope everything will go well. One of the reasons that made me quit fighting is this. She don't want me to even work at ssf. I don't why she does not even want me to work there. The alibi that she gave was we don't have time together. She don't even let me go fishing. What the hell... The thing is that how can i throw all this. The people around me, the kids around me is my life. They make me happy. They make me switch my mind when i was about to fall. I serve them. These people motivate me to do more. How can i leave them. What she gonna do then? Make me stay home on my big round arse? Hell no i'm gonna do that. I met Silat first before i met you, so you do the math. I would expect to get some support or whatever but i got the reverse. The thing is that i have no grudges against her or anything. I hope that she can switch her mind and not to think about herself everytime. By the way, i still went to my cousin's wedding and congratulate her and her new husband. I ate then i left with Ja lips with the king's car. Ja Lips got to go work and i had to rest for PSK day.

When i got my break.....

2007-07-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since i wrote some thing. I'm feeling a bit shitty these few days. I simply don't know what is wrong with myself. I feel like a woman who is going thru her period. Maybe i haven't got my break yet. But i got my break, i went fishing with yat, fakar, abg said and azman. We went for boat fishing overnight. From 8pm to 8am. That trip made me feel even shittier. Everyone got some piece of the action but me? Hell nothing!! The funny thing is that i am between fakar and ayat and i just simply don't get it. Fakar and ayat got the fishies but i don't get any.. Funny.. I just think that my luck just ran out. Thru the whole night that we were fishing i just simply caught 2 fish. One was a dog shark which malays called it yu bodoh and the other is an eel. Damn i was frustrated that night. I was the only one that did not get a real fish. I don't believe this at all. My luck was always good when i went fishing. This is the first that i had a drought in boat fishing. I was being teased the whole night by the gang but nevertheless i still have my patience but it jus simply didn't stop. It still continued the next day at PSK. I think i am not a team player, i have to go solo then i can have more end product. After writing all this, i think its just nonsense after going thru it. I think if you are reading it also you will think what the f*%k you writing. Just read it anyway. In the final analysis its between me and God, its never between me and you anyway..

HELL WEEK DAY 5

2007-06-11T19:43:00.000+08:00

I skip day 4 cos there wasn't much to tell. Basically everybody did well on regu except for you know who but i still say that everybody did hell of a job. Day 5 started at 10.30am. I tgought of doing my weight training first but it would be rushing and there won't be much recovery time. Anyway, to day was Ganda and I don't know shit about it. I was hoping that maybe i could get a partner who is well versed in this but too late.. Everybody was taken up but luckily there was baiya and i instantly grab him to be my partner. Although he don't know much but at least there is some where to start with. We tried our best to put up a piece. We finished early at 7pm. Luckily we can have ample rest and shit! IT"S THE LAST DAY TOMORROW! Anyway, I feeling quite irritated today and didn't talk that much. My heart is still aching from some bullshit I heard about my crew. Some bullshit nigga came to tell some playas that my crew is delivering the wrong dope. Who the fuck the nigga is to say that shit? I don't know weather who's gone or who's gone. ans some nigga came to talk shit bout me master? That nigga really don't know how to value life. I can't believe all this bullshit first. I have to get this shit straightened out if not it will still bother me. Like in my first piece, we learning from the creator and who the f*#k are you to say that we learning nonsense. Thus I heard this from some chick so i don't know how true it is. But I believe it's 90% true. I'm taking the advice from the master itself, he said,"Jul....jgn pikir baru blajar ama bapak slama seminggu lu udah jaguh Jul.... Kita masih banyak mau blajar kerna ilmu itu semua datangnya dari Tuhan.. Bapak pun skarang masih banyak mau blajar, seperti disini bapak pun juga masih blajar. Jadi jgn sombong, riak, dan takbur Jul.. Insyaallah kita dapat berkahnya..." Then i tought, it was the thing to do. I talk to tiger about it and he said not to do anything we just stay humble. So I thought that what goes around, comes around. We just wait for the time when karma hits. I got to forget bout this bullshit. It is just taking up space in my brain. One more test to go and it's finito and i could get back to my normal routine. Enough said! Peace outside nigga!

HELL WEEK DAY 3

2007-06-10T10:02:00.000+08:00

I'm typing this piece with all aches on my body. The achness is killing me! But what the hell....I still have to go through this witout any complaints. Done with tunggal and its regu's turn. It was a fast one today as everybody has memorize it already. The trainer was impressed with us cos he said that most of us have the techniques correct. So he decide to do a mock up test. we sat around and one by one we performed the regu. Everything went well. I... the gundu, punya selenge...firstly my nervousness never ever did this before, secondly stress takut lupa. I started nicely and all of a sudden, I just switched the moves into tunggal. What the f#@k? Am i carzy or what. Everybody startted laughing and shit. Even i laughed. The best thing is that it was caught on tape. What the hell. I always related to Tiger that I'm scared to forget the steps and furthermore I was always the last one to come out. I think I had the most least of expectation for both categories. tiger said that it is always good to be the underdog where people have no expectation of you when you suddenly perform at your best. Anyway its test day tomorrow and i think its going to be all good...Good Luck playa!

HELL WEEK DAY 2

2007-06-10T09:45:00.000+08:00

It was rough waking up this morning when i really had to force myself up. Everytime I sit up i feel a force pulling me back down again. It's been very long since i have this kind of training. 9 am till 11am babe.....athlete pun tak training ni macam. Evrything went well with training. All the coaches are supportive with each other but some still have the ego and pride of I am better than you attitude. I wish i could just go there and give one good punce right at the kisser of the hypocrtite. Anyway it was quite fun during the training when you can see all the oldies struggling their way in their physical state. Mostly its siku man having problems with his knees(banyak panjat agaknye la tu..). In tunggal its not much of a problem but when it comes to regu i think he will most probably wear off his knee cos the sequence has ups and downs. For sure his knee will give way but as advice by the head coach he taped his knee in order not to give way. For me, i having a hard time as well. I cannot do certain movements due to my size and kakuness. I'm quite irritated about that but nevetheless I worked my way through. I think the trainer knows that I'm struggling very hard so he was slow on me. But for siku man? Damn.... he was called called up everytime for demo and i feel that he was being tortured everytime he was called up. Tiger always will laugh at him. My test did go well and managed to go through and do the correct techniques. We finish quite late when i reached home, it was almost 12. I simply crashed without going for shower.

HELL WEEK DAY 1

2007-06-08T08:39:00.000+08:00

It wasn't that bad when the class start. The feeling of nervousness is there cos i know I'm an arse in artistic. The day started of when I and the big man went to the airport to fetch Pak Rifai. We got there early. This is for those of you who do not know who he is. Pak Rifai is 63 years old, he has a lot of coaches experience internationally. I don't have to say so much about him. Just to cut it short, he is the creator of the Tunggal and Team category. Do i have to elaborate more about him? I don't think so. He's the creator like God created man. I'm learning directly from the person who introduced the steps. I mean that he did he did not introduced the steps la....but he combined all the steps which is contributed from different clubs then combined to become one. Creator also right...... The training was not that bad as I say but the ups and downs remind me of doing squat kicks. I bet that the two Jins who are attached to us for some time now, Keen and hasyer is having a damn good laugh upstairs watching us training. Pistol air korang.... The theory was so deep that i really couldn't understand till I have to ask every single word uttered from him. I feel him for his love of silat. When the the training started, i was very suprised that a lot of the steps were different. I figured that the international setting was corrupted too. But those in the national team didn't have much effect from it. Majority of it is all correct. So you guys don't have to doubt the artistic coaches. The definition of the steps were totally different from others that i see. The barehand steps and parang was define to the max. We were explained again and again till we totally understand what it means. Quality rather than quantity is what the trainer always says. We finished at 10pm. I was dreadfully exhausted. I went home without having a shower. I just changed and took a cab home, showered than crashed.

To dinni: Lepas abg dzul habis course ni kita training regu untuk sijori mesti kita angkut gold punya tapi abg dzul nak kena jadi jintinaz la ni macam.

To all the Jins and Jintinaz, thank you for the support. Love ya'll playa's!!

Lady Bit: Tahan lagi sikit. Lagi brape hari je. Never think about outcome when you have not even started the process yet.

Peace Outside...

Road to Nationals..

2007-06-05T19:29:00.000+08:00

It's going to be another two weeks to the nationals. It's been a very tough ride since the begining. Some people say that I'm just sitting my big butt. The thing is that to all you people out there you just don't know shit about what I'm going through. Don't talk about me, talk about yourself than you talk about me. Don't let me hear about me cos I'll whip your head! It's going to be worse if you talk about my boys and girls cos i'll cut your tongue out and feed it to the dogs. You think that i have no more colours and I sold them all? I know that there is less training this time. I cop to it. There's a reason behind that. When there is no commitment and dedication, it would be just a waste of time arrangging a lot of training sessions but there is no people around to train. I rather concentrate on those people who really want something out of this. Despite that there are some people who really want this and putting their damn effort but some people just missuse the power that they have like putting a shot gun on my head and asking me, "what chu gonna do now nigga?" Do you think I give a shit? I don't even give a rat's shit out of that. It's simple nigga, you don't come, you don't play. So f*#k you all, all of you all. If you all don't like me , just blow me. But there is people who i appreciate and really proud of. Weather in the or not. These people put their effort and stand my nonsense in training. People like the Jins who are always there to give a helping hand although they concentrating on the trials. Shakir whom i label him as 'The Rock'. Why? He's been training like hell and he's not broken yet. I really don't know weather this is for him or someone else. I think nobody in the team is training as hard as him. I told him yesterday," In order to win him, you have to be him." I hope he makes it this time. And of course he's other half, 'Lady Bit' or should I say Rabiatul Adawiyah. In a lot of the athletes in the club that i see, i think she's the most potential one that is going to make it far. Only if she starts thinking straight. You hear that? YOU ARE THE MOST POTENTIAL GIRL IN THE CLUB! I don't really know why she does not want to be in the National Team but I guess she has her reasons. Take your time..... The two brothers or so I call them 'The Twin Towers' are also there to give their help whenever needed. For them i just wish that i could take take out their brains and wash it with dettol and put them back together again. Again time will tell....And of course the other Jins who made the selection for the World and SEA games. All the best to you all.... No matter what happens weather I shout at you or curse you, you guys know that i love you all very much. So get down and hit the floor!!!

HELL WEEK!!

2007-06-05T19:14:00.000+08:00

My worst of all nightmare are about to come this Thursday when the coaching course starts. I was never ever good in seni but what the hell..... I still got to go through this course like everyone else. The thing is, I'm not ready physically, mentally and theoretically. Shit! I was never ready for this kind of shit. It's going to be hell.. I will suffer a lot with my stiff movements and stupid seni knowledge. I never thought that seni was a compulsory thing for all coaches but now it is. I did go through the single and team movements in technical level 1 but that was some time back. The memory of the steps are still in my brains but vague. Nevertheless i still tried doing some refreshing with the coaches and try to memorise everything before the trainer comes from indonesia. At the same time i also did some physical training to help me in the course. Shit! I'm pespiring when I'm typing this. I really don't know what is going to happen during the duration of the course. The best part of the course is it starts at 9am and finishes only at 10pm and it goes on for 6 days. That was only tip of the iceberg. The test for both categories will be tested at competition standard. I don't know weather i can last even that one minute of the 3 minutes. Damn...I'm dead... But whatever it is, I'm going to complete the course and prove to everyone that even the coaches know their shit... So good luck to me.

Only the Strongest Surive

2007-05-29T14:23:00.000+08:00

As days pass by i just feel more and more lost of what i am doing. I just don't know weather i lost interest or i am just simply tired. It's always the same thing, train, eat, work. Everyday is the same, the people is the same even the smell is the same. I lost my touch with "The Watch Ones" and the most thing that i loved most, my fishing! I hate it when this feeling comes to play. I really love my work and not to mention about the people i work with. I love them more than my life. Sometimes people just have doubts about people's honesty and intentions to their work but i belief what goes around comes around. For example, sometimes it just didn't matter weather people come for training or not. There must be a reason to why people don't come for training. We have to believe in people rather than just accusing them for whatever reason. I believe in the people that i work with. I believe that they will succeed in what they are doing and how much they want it. I always tell myself that i must be there whenever they need me no matter what the situation is. Sometimes i pity them because of the path that they choose. They train so hard and in the end they got nothing. I don't know how long can they sustain the pain and in the end lost interest in everything. I think that they deserve something better than this. Also we cannot blame the government because the sport is like that. Only the strongest survive. It's just a matter of time till they get their chance to shine. I think the reason why i am still here is because of the people. I just simply love the people that i work with. It just don't matter........

"The Watched Ones"

2007-05-24T14:45:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since I've been out with "The Watched Ones". Yesterday i got a bit of time off and got to roll with them to the Ministry of Sound. Actually i was quite glad that i went out. I got to switch off my mind from work for awhile and party the shit out off me. It's been awhile i actually went out to party. We got there around 1am and went into the Main Arena. This was the first time that i went to MOS on a wednesday. I was quite shocked that "The Watched Ones" actually went in to the main arena. It was house music. Its been so long that i did not catch up with them until they change their taste of music. I ask Bo-Thugz, what's the meaning of all this. He answered me swiftly and say,"sekarang kita dengar aje house, tapi dalam hati tetap Hip-Hop". I laughed my brains out when he said that. There were six of us there. The muster wasn't complete though, the rest of "The Watched Ones" cannot be there due to other commitments. We stayed at the main arena for awhile and ordered some drinks and talk shit. I was thinking at the same time, I still remembered the last time i left the clubbing scene and it did not change much. The people were still the same, the songs were still the same even the drinks are still the same. We left the Main Arena and went in to Smoove and listen to the Hip-Hop beats which i could identify more. The crowd is just nice when we got there. I hate it when it gets too crowded. I will be just standing instead of moving around because of my Air Force 1. The crowd will simply step on it and make me irritated. I'm not the only one who has that kind of attitude, in fact all of "The Watched Ones" has it. We simply take care of shoes and make them clean. It's a very tiring job. Anyway, we stood by the bar and watching the people dancing their ass off at the dance floor. I noticed that Smoove was also the same. Same song, same people and same bullshit. The faces of "The Watched Ones" changed suddenly to a turn off mode and looks like they not enjoying it. I guess the song was not right though. But once when Jay-Z's beats came to play, there was no stopping them. I laughed we played, dance and joked to other people's moves. I enjoyed myself. It was a good night. When this mf came up to me and asked "Is your boss malay or chinese?" and I say what.... and he said it again "Is your boss malay or chinese?" then I said to him " what concerns you of?" and he said "i just ask you malay or chinese?. By that time i felt that my adrenalin is rushing. I felt like knocking his brains out off his head already. I did'nt know what makes me answer him so cooly and say "he's malay, what's your problem?" and then he turned away. It makes me more irritated and i ask him again "what's your problem?". He gave me and answer that i did not expect, "I just did'nt expect that malay has a lot of money" and he walk away. In my heart i was like what the fuck you taking about man? As though like he wasnt malay. Are you trying your luck on me or you just simply so fucking dumb to ask me that kind of question. That boy really pull out the plug out off me. I just stood there and control the anger within me. The boys ask me what's going on but i said it was ok. I look at my watch and it was just about time to finish so i dedcided not to waste my time withe the bullshit. It's more important to me that i spend quality time with "The Watched Ones". I just said to myself that maybe he's just wasted and trying to piss people off. I continued enjoying myself till closing. I guess overall it's a good and productive night just maybe some fools trying their luck on other people. But the most important thing is that i got to meet up with "The Watched Ones" because it's really been awhile. I think that the experience brings out the adult in me, thats why I was actually cool with things. This is not the end with "The Watched Ones", i guess there will be alot more things to come.

"The Watched Ones"

Introduction Part 2

2007-05-22T15:47:00.000+08:00

A STRIKING match, a piece of aluminum foil, Lucky Strike cigarettes or two dollar notes. You don’t think twice about these things but to him they are the triggers that pull him back to a dark past. He calls it his lost youth. And he is only 25. Dzulfadly believes his life has been predestined and trusts the path he follows today. “I think it’s put down for you. I am just walking through it”

There were two worlds Dzul inhabited as a child growing up in Eunos Crescent. There was the one with his family in their five-room HDB apartment. When I ask him about his childhood he tells me that the memories are vague. At best there is the hazy notion of sharing a room with his other siblings, sleeping at night on a mat on the floor, somebody’s feet always in his face. He remembers that the black leather sofa at some point turned into a brown upholstered sofa, that the curtains were changed every Hari Raya and that the faces of his grandparents stared out at him from behind the frames of yellowing black and white photographs that curled at the edges. His Indonesian grandfather had passed down an oil painting that was hung on one of the white painted walls. An idyllic country scene, quaint thatch hut set against the grandeur of mountains, valleys and rivers. The only interest Dzul had in it back then was to fantasize about living there on his own and away from his family.

Then there was the other world Dzul created at an age when most other kids are busy preparing for young adulthood. If you had known him back then he would have been able to tell you at he age of 12 that the guy who had the most drugs ruled and that there was a unspoken hierarchy which he and other gang members followed without question. He would have told you that being with them was better than staying at home watching television with the rest of the family as days drifted into nights. He would have said it was better to fritter away time on the void decks playing marbles than sit in his room on the second floor staring out at the small exercise area his room forced to watch couples having sex or doing drugs among the bushes.

And Dzul can’t be sure today but he thinks it was in either one of these two worlds that his death game with drugs began. On paper his life might look like the textbook life of a high-risk teenager. A disaster slowly boiling, a life haphazardly stitched together and bursting, ripping at the seams. Both his parents worked and were rarely at home. No one supervised his free time; no one made him do his homework. If he did misbehave and he says that it was often, his mother would beat him with whatever she could get her hands on – the cane, coat hangers or her favourite, the end of a rubber water pipe. There was never any discussion about his bad behaviour. He would just cop it and then go to his room sulking to lick his wounds.

“It’s funny because actually the group of friends I mixed with back then were not interested in doing dope” he tells me as we sit on the floor of the gym he now works in. “They thought the kids who did drugs were stupid and stayed away from them”. But that initial wisdom was not to last. One day while he was out catching fish in a drain, another group of boys he was acquainted with arrived on the scene carrying a stash of pot or marijuana. He tried it for the first time and remembered that he was laughing till nighttime. After that there was no stopping him. “I didn’t go to school, smoked everyday, played soccer at night then went home and crashed”

It was when he was about 15 that heroin entered the equation. He was at a friend’s house one day when a guy arrived with neatly sealed packets of the white powder. Dzul knew it colloquially as White, Hero and Obat. But that was about all he knew. “Trying heroin was going to be a lot different from using pot and I was scared” The blank spaces about heroin made him decline the chance to use it. But his decision had been made out of fear not wisdom and the temptation to try it was too much. For three weeks Dzul thought of nothing else.

“I finally caved in, took my set of dumbbells, sold them for $200 and went looking for it”

The urge led him to Tun Tun, a neighbourhood trafficker who sold him a packet for $80. That packet led to a hundred others and opened a door for Dzul that would eventually close all others in his young life.

“I changed after that. It wasn’t about conscience. I didn’t have one any more”

To feed his habit, Dzul started selling small quantities of heroin to others, always rolling over the money he earnt to buy his own stash. But even this twisted entrepreneurial spirit did not always ensure that he had a supply for what became his daily use of the drug.

Dzul is no stranger to the effects of heroin withdrawal on the body, the “sick” period addicts go through when they can’t feed the time bomb they have planted in their own bodies. But Dzul had his ways of coping. On the days he couldn’t get his stash, Dzul would down a potentially lethal cocktail of cough mixture, sleeping pills and alcohol to stop the excruciating pain of heroin withdrawal. The combination of the codeine in the cough mixture, the alcohol and barbiturates had a numbing effect on his senses, often knocking him out. When he did wake it would be to a zombie like blur of consciousness. It wasn’t perfect but at least it stopped him from feeling anything.

“Those times I did things I cannot remember today”

Friends have told him that he once, dulled by this cocktail, Dzul tried to break his own arm because he could not bear going to school anymore.

You’re thinking this story will eventually wind up with Dzul getting arrested and thrown into a detention center but you would be wrong. Dzul was never caught for taking drugs. The mother who he says did not know how to handle him, the one he says he had no communication with, that same woman would come to force Dzul to confront his addiction head on.

It happened when Dzul’s grandfather passed away. While family member gathered to pay their last respects to her frail body that lay in the hall, Dzul slunk away to his room to chase the dragon. As phrases from the quran filtered through the corridors during the religious ceremony, Dzul sat on his bed ready to get high and block out the darkness of death and family and responsibility. It was going t be beautiful. That was when his mother walked into the room. Despite seeing the stash on the bed, she said nothing, turned on her heels and walked out of the room. A fiercely proud woman, Dzul’s mother had no intention of causing a scene with the whole family present. Instead she waited till everyone had left before forcibly locking Dzul inside the apartment to stop him from getting any more dope and into a period of withdrawal that this time, he could do nothing to stop. His forced imprisonment infuriated Dzul and he threatened to slit his wrists if his mother did not let him out.

“I would have thrown myself out of the window but we lived on the second storey and I probably would have just broken a bone!” he laughs today.

After several weeks of this, Dzul’s mother eventually let him out on the condition that he stay away from his junkie buddies and stay clean. He made the promises but he couldn’t keep them. Instead he headed straight back to Tun Tun and started using again.

When his mother discovered his relapse, she admitted him to Pertapis, a Muslim halfway house in Geylang. He did not know it at the time but he would remain there for the next three years. It was at Pertapis that Dzul says he learnt the meaning of family.

“It was like a real home, a real family and the love was genuine” Dzul’s dependence on the community of the center was so great at one time that even when he had home leave he avoided going home.

It was at Pertapis that Dzul first met Sheik Alau’ddin, a world champion Silat medallist. The sportsman had wanted to teach Silat at the center and Dzul was put in charge of organizing the adolescents for their practice sessions.

“At first I just watched but decided to join in to motivate the kids a little”

That innocent intention led to Dzul taking his Silat training seriously. After one month intensive training with Sheik Alau’ddin, Dzul won a national competition and began training with the national team.

Since he quit dope, Dzul’s list of qualifications has taken on a life of its own, giving him that direction he always craved. Today he is Business Development Manager at LA Fitness Centre. He has a Diploma in Fitness & Nutrition and is a Qualified Personal Trainer certified by the National Academy Sports Medicine USA. And that doesn’t even begin to include the numerous medals he has won at national and international levels for Silat and Body Building. Dzul took the Silver Medal (Silat), Philippine Open Championship 1999, the Silver Medal (Silat), Belgium Open Championship 2001 and the Bronze medal for bodybuilding at the Singapore National Championship in 2002.

Dzul says he looks forward, as forward as a 25 year old can. But the ghosts of that early past still haunt him.

“I wish my mother had said something. I was fighting all the time, thieving, stealing anything I could. My mum knew about it but she never tried to stop me.” Dzul is looking at me, reading the thought that is already in my head. “Yah, maybe she didn’t know how”

Dzul’s angst over the bitter memories of his past jar with the aspirations he has today.

“Happiness means achieving your goals. And I am not satisfied with my life yet.”

When I ask him what he means there is no hesitation before he gives me an answer.

“I haven’t made my mother happy. I let her down. Totally. At times I blamed my parents for my addiction. But it was my choice”

But I wonder. Can something as insidious, as life changing and damaging as addiction boil down to a simple act of choice? The way we choose our shoes, or our TV programmes or what to eat for dinner? Why would it be so difficult to get off addiction if we could simply choose to do it?

For Dzul heroin offered a distraction from noticing how tense his young life had been, a euphoria that seemed to make his energy increase to the point of believing he had some kind of control over it. I start to wonder if what addicts are hooked on more than the drugs, maybe what we are all hooked on, is that effort to control life.

I asked Dzul what he found beautiful in this world. The first things that came to his mind were his staples – the ladies, martial arts and his snakes. But he adds something else that I don’t expect. “Focus makes it happen. Doing drugs was beautiful. Then.”

"I did'nt say that i will change the game, but i promise that I will spark the brain of the game"

Wasted Talent

2007-05-21T15:49:00.000+08:00

Being a coach and being an athlete is totally two diffrent things. Life as a coach basically you see the progress development of the athletes that you have. Training someone to fight is not as simple as people think it can. You have to make them think, talk, walk and having a state of mind that the only reason that they have is winning. Talent is that you are born with it. Cannot deny the fact that people who has talent has 20% more success rate than people who has to train their ass off the gym. What i'm saying is that when you have talent, don't let it just go to waste just like that... Use the talent that you have to at least achieve personal gratification. If you have not discover your talent maybe you have to wait a little longer. But if somebody knows you have talent and have been told that you have talent, explore deeply what you can do with your talent. If you fail once and twice, don't go and indulge into your self-pity. Don't shift the blame on others and stating that you are the cause of the lost, you pressured me, you do not motivate me and all those bullshit. Everything is in you.You make it happen. I'm not going to be in there with you to face your opponent. So in 100% of the process is basically 10% is me and 90% is totally you. I can just be by the side. You know that you have talent and the potential, in fact everybody has it. It is a matter of how you use your talent and how bad you want to win............

The Newest MVP

2007-05-21T12:26:00.000+08:00

Let me introduce myself, my name Dzulfadly. I'm a very simple person who loves listening to Hip-Hop, loves fishing, loves my friends, loves my family, loves the work that i'm doing and the most important of all is that i love myself. Oops i forgot, i love clubbing as well. My life moments goes way back, i mean really way back. I actually don't know why i'm doing this or maybe for my friends to know me better or maybe reminisce a piece of my life to everyone but i belief its something good. I've always dreamt that i will be a vet someday because of the love of animals. But it was cut short when i hit rock bottom. I started out at thirteen, scared as hell. Made twenty straws out of a pack and made them sell. At that stage of life hitting rock bottom was like apoplexy, sudden loss of ability to feel or move and having dope as my girlfriend makes it worse. I was at a state of denial. I don't feel remorse of anything. My dependency on dope was the only thing on my mind. Where do i get my next fix, where do i get the money. I did anything i could just to get my my next fix even my mum's cooking gas. I was selfish, ignorant bastard. I don't give a shit about anything. To summarize this up, i'm basically an addict. What goes in my mind was contagious, hypnotic but it sounds melodic..

From begining to the end, losers lose, winners win. This is real and i got nothing to pretend. The cold world that i'm in is full of pressure and pain. Alot of things have change since. I've recuperate my losses. I'm trying to be as honest to myself as possible and also to the circle of people around me. But i know i could'nt please everybody but i don't give a shit about that. One day i plan to be a family man hapilly married. I want to grow so old until i'm glad to be buried. Leaving this world with at least some wealth for the kids that i have. I know its too early too be planning this stuff. I'm still struggling to be the man. I have been taken advantage of, damaged and scuffed. But i don't panic or try to give up. I've been troubled enough and i'm sick of struggling and suffering. The pressure motivates my progress and i won't settle just trying to please. Wishing for a better life for myself with my mum and dad. And with all that i represent myself.........