I don't really know how to feel about this. I don't know weather to feel sad, happy, disappointed, remorse, angry, i just don't know how the f*%k i should feel but it is really an annoying feeling. I've been relating it to some people but it's simply not working for me. Just got to know this from mummy ros when we finished with the Vietnamese trials. We went to Teh Tarik at tampines to drink something. Before that i was really hungry to eat something but when i reach there i simply had no appetite of eating or what so ever. That is when Mummy Ros told me;

Mummy Ros : Abg Jul, aku ade crita sikit pasal tunang lama kau.
Jul : Tunang lame yg mana satu.( I thought she was refering to some chick donkey years back)
Mummy Ros : Tunang kau yang recent tu la...
Jul : Oh..Apasal?
Mummy Ros : Dia dah collect cincin lagi.
Jul : Huh? Tapi kita belum settle lagi, amcam dia boleh engage lagi?
Mummy Ros : Eh! Aku ingat da settle?
Jul : Belum...

At this time i was already confused weather to believe this or not. I decided to call my closest cuzzy to confirm. When i call her she was on the way to her honeymoon cos she just got married. She confirmed that the news was true and she also got to noe this morning. In my heart i was like what the f*%k? I was confused but i kept my cool in front of everybody.

Its been almost 2 years that we were not talking because of some issue. I really don't know weather it's me or her. I have my reasons. I am a very reasonable and open minded person but people just simply take advantage of that. I have already quit fighting because she does not want me to cos she cannot stand me get injured and all those bullshit. After that, i continued my hobby of fishing. I cannot go fishing because it is a waste of time and money. Furthermore i don't have time for her cos i have been working like a dog. Almost did it. Her luck just ran out when she ask me to quit working at SSF. That just blew off my mind. How can you ask me to quit the only thing that i love the most. Who's going to support me? Who's going to give me money? You? I can't believe it when she say that. Then I told her that i need time off. The time off led to almost 2 years. I thought that maybe that she could come to her senses and realize what she doing. She's being to selfish. Thinking bout herself. In this 2 years i was hoping that she would call and maybe happen one my time but it didn't. Then i was at my cousin's wedding last saturday and she complained to me that she not happy with her. She was upset that she cannot come to her wedding cos she got to work but my cousin knew that she was afraid to run into me. My cousin knows my issue with her so i told my cousin that i will ask my mother to go meet her mum and settle this within this week. Maybe we could workout this issue. Start afresh or something. But when i got the news it just didn't happen.

In some part i would blame my self cos i did not call or do something about it but do you think that i need to? The words has gone out about the bad boy is back and doing his shit. But that boy is still hanging in there for hope. I told mama about this and she said,'Doa'kan asal orang bahagia jul...., Biar orang buat kita, kita jgn buat orang'. I think mother has been watching a lot of 'Hikmah'. I know that. I don't mind she getting engage to some rich dude or anything but have some courtesy to tell me. I haven't been so cool like this for a very long time. I really am calm but i just don't know what to feel. Like yat say,"Ni macam lu cium asap la..."

Damn.....

The day was going fine when at PSK day when a lot of the kids was going thru their semi final rounds. The first game that i had to do was for the junior boys.. It went well. The most heaviest game that i had to carry was between the Jackal and the Rock. It was the the second game at the senior category. Having to know that this game had high quality value, i was not scared to admit that i was feeling a bit nervous. At the same time adrenaline is pumping thru my veins. When the games started both was carefull on their attacks. The games went on till it finish. It was a fifty-fifty game chance of winning. In the end it was the Rock who emerge victorious. Its going to be against the Rascal next week. I think this year is his year. Was doing good with the games alot had win and a lot had lost. I was focusing very well on the games. I lost my focus when was being questioned where my loyalty at. It bothers me. After all i have done and people asking me this? This i not the first time. I tried to forget about it but it just simply won't go away. I couldn't focus very well. I'm not good at this part where to seperate my anger. I have to deal with this everytime. My anger is my weakness. After thinking about it for awhile maybe they were just joking cos i had to take the corner for team singapore and i got SSS back. I know that abg Juanda was just playing with me but i bet that history repeats itself. Enough about all the allegations. I'm sick of it all. I did not ask for this. If you want to lead this pack you can have the red carpet to do so. I don't need this. I prefer to be a general worker. But f*%k it. If you have a problem with me solve it yourself. I'm not in for the money. I'm in for the kids who sacrifice their time to come down for training despite they staying far away. They have an objective. Like you guys which have no objectives and talking around peoples back, go cut your weenies and feed it to the dogs. Enough of this shit. I'm tired of it. By the way at PSK, all the kids did well. All their training paid off. In two years time i bet they will be untouchable.

Laydee Bit: Fight was not excellent but it was good. National training is not a torture, take your time to blend in and get the hang of it.

Dinni: It was a very impressive fight, just imagine that you quit the game and eventually you won the game. That's a gold medal lost.

Keen: It was a good one but the jury's decision was simply crap! It's just a trial. The real thing will be coming soon...

I went to my cuzzy's wedding the other day wit Ja lips, Kings Jaffar and Queen Jamilah. I have this things about weddings. I just simply hate to go to weddings. Even if my mum say that,"Pegi la jul...., kan nanti boleh jumpa saudara kamu semua". At first that i told my cus that i won't be coming cos its PSK week so i will be very busy. Then she threatened me not to talk or to call her anymore cos i won't be coming to her wedding. There's is another reason also that i don't want to go to her wedding cos she is my fiance's friend. I actually don't know how it is weather to call her my fiance or ex fiance but its not been officially said yet. Its been almost two years that we have not been talking. My cuz said that she had move on and i? I don't know. I have moved on i guess. Anyway my cuz told me that she won't be coming cos she got to work. But she don't work on saturdays. I guess she trying to avoid me also. So i decided to tell my mum to finish this once and for all. My mum will talk to he mum and officially end this. I hope everything will go well. One of the reasons that made me quit fighting is this. She don't want me to even work at ssf. I don't why she does not even want me to work there. The alibi that she gave was we don't have time together. She don't even let me go fishing. What the hell... The thing is that how can i throw all this. The people around me, the kids around me is my life. They make me happy. They make me switch my mind when i was about to fall. I serve them. These people motivate me to do more. How can i leave them. What she gonna do then? Make me stay home on my big round arse? Hell no i'm gonna do that. I met Silat first before i met you, so you do the math. I would expect to get some support or whatever but i got the reverse. The thing is that i have no grudges against her or anything. I hope that she can switch her mind and not to think about herself everytime. By the way, i still went to my cousin's wedding and congratulate her and her new husband. I ate then i left with Ja lips with the king's car. Ja Lips got to go work and i had to rest for PSK day.

Its been a long time since i wrote some thing. I'm feeling a bit shitty these few days. I simply don't know what is wrong with myself. I feel like a woman who is going thru her period. Maybe i haven't got my break yet. But i got my break, i went fishing with yat, fakar, abg said and azman. We went for boat fishing overnight. From 8pm to 8am. That trip made me feel even shittier. Everyone got some piece of the action but me? Hell nothing!! The funny thing is that i am between fakar and ayat and i just simply don't get it. Fakar and ayat got the fishies but i don't get any.. Funny.. I just think that my luck just ran out. Thru the whole night that we were fishing i just simply caught 2 fish. One was a dog shark which malays called it yu bodoh and the other is an eel. Damn i was frustrated that night. I was the only one that did not get a real fish. I don't believe this at all. My luck was always good when i went fishing. This is the first that i had a drought in boat fishing. I was being teased the whole night by the gang but nevertheless i still have my patience but it jus simply didn't stop. It still continued the next day at PSK. I think i am not a team player, i have to go solo then i can have more end product. After writing all this, i think its just nonsense after going thru it. I think if you are reading it also you will think what the f*%k you writing. Just read it anyway. In the final analysis its between me and God, its never between me and you anyway..